The Need to Accept and Move On

Despite what I have thought...I have never accepted the death of my lil brother. Yes I can talk about him and yes I know he is dead...but I never grieved!!! I never broke down and cried, other than the initial shock kind of crying...

Most of you know I lost my youngest brother when I was 17, a Senior in high school...that was April 16th of 2002...The last time I saw his grave was April 19th...He has been gone for almost 8 years and it terrifies me to go and visit...I have blocked so much from that time, yet remember in vivid detail so much too!!! A few months ago, I finally had the courage to even ask where he is buried...but that is all I did.

What kind of coward am I? There is no big deal in going to see him...The world will not cease to rotate...I will not cease to breath...But the very thought of driving there stops me in my tracks. I can't breathe properly, my heart aches, and tears fall of their own accord.

I reached out to a person that was there for me (however somewhat a small part) during the time of his death and burial...and everything flooded back. Colby...this person and the memories we share...the friendship...the heartache...and it is the hardest thing for me to get this person out of my mind as of late!!!

I am going to make it a goal to visit before his 8th year anniversary rolls around!!!