One Day!

I bottle things up...
I carry things around and never voice my true self, because I am always on my toes that I will hurt the people I care about...or people that my family care about!

I write, however that barely covers the surface of my...
hurt,
anguish,
troubles,
and most importantly my true feelings...

Half the time, you don't want to know how I truly feel.
Half the time, you don't want to know what I am truly thinking.
Half the time, I don't even want to feel or think half the shit I do feel and think!

I am a complicated woman.
I daresay that with everyting that I have learned in life...
I am who I am...some don't understand it and some don't even care.

One day I hope to make a friend who sees through the facade and can say "I know and don't try to hide it from me...I just know"







Sidenote...this blog is for my own ramblings, if it was meant for anyone I would of made the title stating just that!

To A Friend that Thinks I Deserted Her...

Did you ever bother to ask?

Why?
What's wrong?

I consider you still a friend, but what friend doesn't even bother asking the obvious...
Also after sometime try to mend fences that know should be mended or talked through...

Clarifying...

The posts I have made in the last few months are just that posts...I do not want to act on them nor do I wish for them to be true...

I write so that the crap in my head will go away...I can think more clearly if I post them on my blog...

Today I only write of you...

I dreamt of you last night...

I was happy. I was with you. Not in the sexual sense, but I spent my days with you. We were on a date. You were just like you always were. The sweet, loving man I had so hopelessly fallen in love with. For some reason I tried to leave, I think it was something someone said. But I tried to leave, and you followed me. You grabbed my arm, spun me around. Pulled me close, and held me...You kissed my forehead, and said, "How is it that it took me so long to find you? ......I am sorry for taking so long, but I love you..."
As I cried, the rain fell...You kissed away the tears as you held me tighter...I couldn't think of my hands being anywhere but around your neck...I looked into your questioning eyes and said, "I am so happy you finally said that, because I have loved you since the moment I saw you."
And we kissed...the sweet feathery kisses that lead up to big sloppy heat driven kisses. I only wanted to stick with those kisses...I grabbed your hand and started to search for the car, but halfway to the car, you said, "To hell with the rain!"
You bent over, hooked your arm behind my knees, and picked me up...You walked over to a doorway on a side street, and put me down.
I was laughing so hard that I was crying again, but I had gotten you to laugh too. I told you I wanted to dance in the rain, you told me in a little while I can. You got down on one knee and said, "I promise with every breath I breathe, that you are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I promise with every day there will be adventure, heartache, happiness, and most importantly love. I promise to you, me...I have to know sweetheart, will you marry me?"

Waking up from such a declaration, I tried with all my might to go back to sleep. I was so happy in that dream, with you there. But that is just it, it was dream....My life is much more...I live everyday with adventure, happiness, and love....The only heartache is that time I sit thinking of you, or writing of you.
In the dream I was happy, but in reality I am that happy.

Last night I dreamt of you...today I only write of you...

Music and Memories...

I am in amazement of how our minds work...
Why do I say this...well, because at certain times in my life, I associated a song with those precise moments. I love how your mind can transport you to a different time and place. To allow you to relive these moments, to feel the pain and joy or to allow you to retrieve memories you never knew you had.

Like the song that played at your brother's rosary...
Window with a View by Carolyn Dawn Johnson...
How it allows me to remember the sounds and smells of that Tuesday morning walking down the stairs at high school...
How everything floods back as if I were there again!!!
How it felt to walk back into school on that same day and feel completely alone...
My heart aches for the girl I was...the girl that couldn't sit at home and mourn but had to go back to school in order to not lose her mind...the girl that had to sing at the funeral cause no else deserved the right to...just being that girl...

Now that I think back on that week...I don't remember seeing a single true friend of mine being there...Don't get me wrong there were friends, but they were closer to my sister than me...And of course there were friends that were older than me that I went to church with...However, not even my best friend at the time was there for me...or the girl I had spent so much of my senior year with...
Looking back I am proud of myself for not losing control...I had lost my lil brother and I picked myself up and moved on...
I had my moments and I have some decisions that I am not proud of...But I moved on...

I miss you lil bro...and I hope you have finally found the peace and happiness you deserve...
Colby Taylor
Feb. 8, 1998 - April 16, 2002

Why Can't I Forget You...

OMG!!!
Have you ever felt like your heart could be ripped out at any moment...
On the long lonely days, all I can think about is you...
Of how much I miss you...
Of how much I loved you...

Of how much life seems to have its fair days of happiness...
Sorrow...
Pain...


Sometimes the only thing I can think about is you...
What are you doing...
Are you thinking about me as much as I do you...
Could there of ever been a what-if...

And on most days I end up hating myself...
For the time I waste on you...
For even thinking of you...
For the time I spend wishing I had never met you...

I am in love, but why does my mind constantly go to you...
And if I try to push you out of my mind when you first pop up, you seem to linger even longer...

I am loved...
I love...
I am cared about and for...
I care...

Why must you be in my thoughts all the time...
Why can't I just forget you...

Movin' On...

I guessed I never really moved on...

I mean don't get me wrong...I have found happiness, love, and what I was meant to do.
I have a husband, kids, a home...
But I still have the what ifs...

What if I would of been a lil more confident in high school...
What if I would of told you everything when I had the chance everyday for 2 years in 6th period...
What if my own stupid pride hadn't gotten in the way of talking to you again...

I still think of you...
when a song comes on the radio...
when I think of Mrs. Allen's English class...
when blackouts occur...
on April 16th of every year...
when I drive down my street almost everyday...
almost everything has a memory attached to it...

But does every memory have you attached to it...
No...so I guess maybe I have gotten over you in some aspects...
Maybe I am finally learning to let go...
Its hard cause the hurt sometimes is just to hard to deal with...
But if I do say so myself I miss you and I will always wonder about the could of been...
I know I will NEVER regret the love I have now...

Rambling...If you were in my head you would understand...

Sometimes I think of you...

Sometimes you think of me...I can only hope...

Was life meant to be this hard...
But then again what good in life isn't hard to achieve...

Peace of mind...
Heartache...
Love...

I can't help but think...
remember...
wish...
hurt...
wonder...


CRY!!!


But just so you know...
I still think of you...
I still dream big for you...
I still....

I miss the friend I had in you....

To the friend I miss....

To the time I never spent telling you how I feel.....
To the time I wish I would of spent with you....
To the heartache this love or infatuation has caused....
To the wasted time I can't seem to stop spending on the thought of you....
To all this ... I regret!!!

To the man you are.....
To the man you shall become....
To the guy I miss....
To the guy I can't seem to let go....
To all this ... I hurt!!!

I know I will never act on these feelings....
the what ifs...
the thoughts....
the regrets....
they will never fully just go away.....
To all this ... I wish!!!

I have so many questions....
But the one that is so pressing is ....
Will I ever go a year without wishing to see you....
to talk to you...to hold a conversation with a person and not think of you...
Will I ever go a year without missing your voice.....The talks we had were a saving grace...
To all this ... I am!!!


You were there at a time of need....
you were a friend that I will always see....
You....
To all this ... I live!!!

To ALL of this....
the need...
the love....
the care...
the hurt....
the regret.....
I owe to you .... for if you had seen ALL of this.....
I would not love the man I am married to.....

Been awhile.....

I know it has been awhile, but I really am going to make an effort to write everyday.....

Well Sunday morning my best friend in the whole world left.......She moved to San Jose, CA I am completely bummed over this.....

On the other hand my hubby is looking and had a few interviews for the west coast......So I guess I shouldn't be too bummed....

I will see her again.....her mother and brother live here and I am all for a move away from this godforsaken city......

I am sorry but I guess that is all I can say for the day.......

Other than life keeps things going....The devil is behind every tempation you are up against.....and never forget the love you are blessed with....