I wish...

I wish life would quit pushing me down...
I feel so alienated...
I need...
someone to talk to...
someone I can confide everything in...
someone to not use me...

Oh for crying out loud...
I can't do this anymore...
the heartache...
the pain...
I feel as though the world is crashing down around me...

Someone asks, "Do you know who you are anymore?"
Well...Do you???
I can honestly say ... I am that blithering idiot that wishes life would cease to torment me the way it seems to be doing right now...

2008 in a Nutshell!

~January~
Not much happened that was life altering.
~February~
One of my best friends moved to Cali, I miss her terribly. I am determined to try to get out to see her this coming summer!
~March~
My big girl turned 4 and also played kickball...Oh the memories!
~April~
Kickball some more, otherwise uneventful. Mattie (our female Boston) joined our little family.
~May~
End of Kickball season...Hayden turned 2. Cami finished school.
~June~
Gage came down for the summer...Christian also joined us half way through the month. My goddaughter joined her mom in Cali...we miss you BiaGranna!
~July~
Went to the Circus...Christian went home.
~August~
Gage went back to Houston in the early part of the month, but not before he met the 2 newest additions to our little family, Bo and Brian (our male Bostons).
~September~
Cami started gymnastics, which she truly enjoys, and I finally came to my senses and quit talking to my mother and to the scum she is married to.
~October~
Lost a friendship, that I look back on now wasn't really a friendship...Went to Houston to celebrate Gage's 11th birthday with him.
~November~
Went to Lytle (a one stop town outside of San Antonio) to spend Thanksgiving with my Uncle and Aunt. And Cami got invited to an advanced gymnastics team.
~December~
Cami started her new gymnastics class. Gage gave his dad and me the best Christmas ever, by coming down to live with us.

2008 in a Nutshell...Not too much, but definitely not complaining...And somewhere among all that I got out of the house and joined a Playgroup. I met some awesome moms that I can now call friends...

Now I am looking forward to what 2009 will bring...With 3 kids, 3 doggies, and one amazing husband...Anything is possible!!!

One Day!

I bottle things up...
I carry things around and never voice my true self, because I am always on my toes that I will hurt the people I care about...or people that my family care about!

I write, however that barely covers the surface of my...
hurt,
anguish,
troubles,
and most importantly my true feelings...

Half the time, you don't want to know how I truly feel.
Half the time, you don't want to know what I am truly thinking.
Half the time, I don't even want to feel or think half the shit I do feel and think!

I am a complicated woman.
I daresay that with everyting that I have learned in life...
I am who I am...some don't understand it and some don't even care.

One day I hope to make a friend who sees through the facade and can say "I know and don't try to hide it from me...I just know"







Sidenote...this blog is for my own ramblings, if it was meant for anyone I would of made the title stating just that!

To A Friend that Thinks I Deserted Her...

Did you ever bother to ask?

Why?
What's wrong?

I consider you still a friend, but what friend doesn't even bother asking the obvious...
Also after sometime try to mend fences that know should be mended or talked through...

Clarifying...

The posts I have made in the last few months are just that posts...I do not want to act on them nor do I wish for them to be true...

I write so that the crap in my head will go away...I can think more clearly if I post them on my blog...