Rambling...If you were in my head you would understand...

Sometimes I think of you...

Sometimes you think of me...I can only hope...

Was life meant to be this hard...
But then again what good in life isn't hard to achieve...

Peace of mind...
Heartache...
Love...

I can't help but think...
remember...
wish...
hurt...
wonder...


CRY!!!


But just so you know...
I still think of you...
I still dream big for you...
I still....

I miss the friend I had in you....

To the friend I miss....

To the time I never spent telling you how I feel.....
To the time I wish I would of spent with you....
To the heartache this love or infatuation has caused....
To the wasted time I can't seem to stop spending on the thought of you....
To all this ... I regret!!!

To the man you are.....
To the man you shall become....
To the guy I miss....
To the guy I can't seem to let go....
To all this ... I hurt!!!

I know I will never act on these feelings....
the what ifs...
the thoughts....
the regrets....
they will never fully just go away.....
To all this ... I wish!!!

I have so many questions....
But the one that is so pressing is ....
Will I ever go a year without wishing to see you....
to talk to you...to hold a conversation with a person and not think of you...
Will I ever go a year without missing your voice.....The talks we had were a saving grace...
To all this ... I am!!!


You were there at a time of need....
you were a friend that I will always see....
You....
To all this ... I live!!!

To ALL of this....
the need...
the love....
the care...
the hurt....
the regret.....
I owe to you .... for if you had seen ALL of this.....
I would not love the man I am married to.....

Been awhile.....

I know it has been awhile, but I really am going to make an effort to write everyday.....

Well Sunday morning my best friend in the whole world left.......She moved to San Jose, CA I am completely bummed over this.....

On the other hand my hubby is looking and had a few interviews for the west coast......So I guess I shouldn't be too bummed....

I will see her again.....her mother and brother live here and I am all for a move away from this godforsaken city......

I am sorry but I guess that is all I can say for the day.......

Other than life keeps things going....The devil is behind every tempation you are up against.....and never forget the love you are blessed with....

Boys of the Past

Today my mind was on a weird quantum leap scenario....

I was driving down the street to go pick my daughter from school and I see this man hanging up a basketball hoop...It makes me start thinking of the boy next door (yes I even liked the boy next door for awhile)...Chris was sweet...what can you expect, his mom was awesome and his step dad treated him like his own...I was crazy about him (And yes again, I even watched him when he was younger)...And before you think I was too old, I am only 3 years older than him...We could barely stand each other when he was younger...But low and behold one day we just sort of started kissing...We had been I guess together for awhile my senior year when my brother died....I can remember so vividly getting caught behind the house making out...

My mind then made the jump to my best friend in high school...how he was there in some situations that I needed him....How he was the only one for a while that I had as in the way of friends I mean... And I can also remember how much of a complete ass I was to him...How he put up with so much of my crap and then was almost always there for me....We would go see a movie almost every weekend...We even dated for a while there...We also made the plan that if we didn't find anyone through college that we would seriously give ourselves a try...Yes I know that sounds completely dorky, but he was there for me....He was who I could never imagine my life without for so long...Now he is hardly ever mentioned...I just wish I could tell him one thing.....Thank you...for being my best friend...for loving me for me....for just everything.....and Sorry for everything....you know exactly what I mean...

My mind then made the huge jump to my lil brother....Every thing about him was surreal...On my way to picking up my child I nearly lost it (crying I mean)....I had to make myself be happy....Some times I can go months without really thinking of him, and I mean really thinking......Don't get me wrong there isn't a day that I don't think about Colby, but that is but a fleeting moment.....Because if I ever just thought about him, I would end up curled up in bed crying....He has been dead for 6 yrs this April 16th....More about him on another post....On a day that I can be emotional without being such a wreck too.....

Before I leave though a few question for the masses: Does the pain ever get any better? The pain of loss of a loved one....the pain of causing someone pain.....and the pain of remembering your innocence and what it used to be....

Protection--The Utmost Need

I am still stuck on my family situation.....However today's main thought is that we were supposed to host Thanksgiving again at our house, but it seems like no one will be coming...My grandmother doesn't want to have a Thanksgiving without my sister, so instead she will have one without her great-grandbabies...I truly don't understand why my grandmother is unhappy with the choices I have made when all I am doing is trying to protect my children and my marraige...



My sister (Amber yet again) is a self-centered woman that thinks everything should go her way at all times and when it doesn't proceeds to be rude and vulgar to her family.....She then goes off to some far off city (this time Alabama) and when that doesn't work out she comes home and expects everyone to forgive and forget without the mention of a sorry or that she was completely in the wrong...I hate to say it but she truly needs to grow up and have a reality check....Up until about 3 months ago my mother paid for everything of hers....car, insurance, apartment, utilities, and occasionally gave her extra money....Don't get me wrong a mother is entitled to help, but not for a 21-yr-old that refuses to keep a job, let alone be civil to the one that gives her money.....



Anywho....



One question for the masses....Should a sister be just as obligated as a mother is to her child???